Thoughts of a Doctor
by angelslaugh
Summary: ...


**...I was watching Doctor Who and this appeared... Veerrry AU, I guess. Comment if you want?**

 **~:~**

He hates her, sometimes. He hates that he loves her, that she made those words as a reminder.

He hates her when she enters his dreams, and then he realizes he can't.

Because he loves her.

He loves her with both his hearts. He can't hate her. It's impossible for him.

He lets her go to the other dimension, because she doesn't belong in this one.

~:~

He regenerates, and for a time he puts it behind him. Tries to forget the past.

The Ponds both turned his mind off; of course River Song did, too.

For a time, he forgot - or, he thought he had.

(Kazran reminds him of himself, and Kazran's eyes light up as he gets that the Doctor truly does know what he feels. Everyone wants to choose the last day they have the ones they love.)

He couldn't marry River to save himself, and he knows. He knows that he told her his Academy nickname whereas his precious Rose knew his real name. He runs from River, from the Ponds, because even though Brian Pond ( _Williams,_ he has to remind himself) is a good man and the Ponds are good people - they're just that, a good man and good people and he shouldn't have brought them with him.

River knows, too. She knows that she can't love him. She cries by Lake Silencio and turns the tide of Time only to break it.

There's no Bad Wolf to save him this time.

There's a woman who's supposed to be his wife and his new in-laws.

(His hearts hurt.)

He marries her, though, finally tells her, and that's that.

(They're gone.)

Clara's a welcome warmth, different. Different, a breath of fresh air.

(He wants his Rose.)

He thinks of his Rose rarely.

(Often enough.)

And then -

Gallifrey. Gallifrey, war-torn Gallifrey.

 _"What else have you forgotten?"_ Ten's question haunts him.

He doesn't answer.

 _(Not her.)_

Bad Wolf appears, in the form he knows her best - Rose. Lovely, lovely Rose. Wilder, different.

But of course.

He pretends not to see her, just as he pretends not to see River.

~:~

Again, he regenerates, and don't - he was, truly, grateful to Clara. For yelling at the Time Lords.

But he'd almost forgotten and he didn't want that.

Clara's frightened of him, and suddenly he knew why he'd seen Amy because even though - even though she knew him as the Doctor, she wouldn't know _him._ This body.

The two people he missed most dearly were Sarah Jane and Rose.

He'd attended Sarah Jane's funeral (who wouldn't? Sarah Jane was everything to him at one point, too) and the Ponds didn't know he'd gone. Not River.

Rose would've. She would've held his hand and run with him, run far away where he tried to forget.

But he never forgot any of them.

Clara's suddenly gone and he spends _three million years_ punching through crystal to get through. He spends his time to get Clara back because it's not the first time a companion dies in front of him but it _hurts._

He doesn't truly forget Clara. He knows she's gone. He doesn't go after her anymore.

He does return to Gallifrey, to apologize, and the Time Lords, while miffed are also surprised and accept his apology and keep things the way he left them because he's still Lord President (and it's weird, actually, weirder than being President of the Earth which is weird enough).

He leaves again because it's not his time to stay.

He's not ready, he knows.

~:~

At the end of the day, when he finally stops running, he imagines Rose there, waiting, in her Bad Wolf way. The TARDIS is there and they can't go anywhere but Rose - dear Rose - smiles her unique smile and welcomes him home.

Maybe it's just a dream. But he loves Rose.

(He recalls the way Ashildr smiles when she says 'human and a Time Lord' hybrid.

He knows who the hybrid is - was.

It was Rose, and she was the destruction of the Time Lords, putting herself as a living weapon and letting him, the Doctor, decide. In a Moment, he chose the right way.

And she decided the fate by lowering the handle, acquiescing to his choice.

In the end, he ignores Ashildr and pretends not to understand her.

It's better.)


End file.
